One day at a freaking time... aka ripping my hair out.

So I'm back at the full-time Mommy gig, and let me tell you... after a few months of being a part-time parent, going back to doing it 24/7 is a HUGE change.

The biggest thing is listening to the differences in my daughter. She can clearly say "I love you", "I missed you", and all of the other sweet things that make mothers swoon over their children. My daughter has a HUGE lisp, and it's funny to hear her say some things... "clock" inevidably comes out "cock" and many many other hilarious things. Today, for example, I was on the phone, not realizing that Ellie was even standing behind me (I was doing dishes), and arguing with a friend good naturedly, I, the vulgar person that I am, holler "bullSHIT, etc, etc.." Out of nowhere, I hear my almost-3-year-old say "Mommy, bullSHEET." I tell her not to say that, that Mommy shouldn't say it either, and that it's a naughty word. She's all "Okay, Mommy, I loveeee you" and runs off. And I start DYING I'm laughing so hard.

Ellie's also going through this "NO" phase, where everything I ask her, or when I tell her to do something, it's always "NO!". I don't even have to tell Ellie where time-out is anymore. She knows. AGHHHH.

Ah well. I love it. I've missed my family. I'm glad that things are slowly working themselves out.

OH! And on a side note, probably only about a month until I start my CNA classes. Medical field, watch out!

you, your sex is on fire.

UGHHHHHHHHH.

That's all I can say to sum up the last few weeks. I haven't been writing on here simply because things have been SO hectic. Between two of my grandparents dying, and jail, and everything else, I haven't had time to even try to think about anything.

Yes. Jail. My stupid DUI finally caught back up to me, and apparently I failed to appear at a hearing for it. Warrant was issued, and I spent 10 days in county sitting out my bond. I guess it wasn't too bad though, I had alot of time to think about things. I'd like to think that I'm being a bigger, better person because of it. I decided to stop being mad at Ian, to stop fighting with him over everything. I'm too old to be bitter like that. So, I'm not anymore. I can pick up the phone to call my daughter, and have a civil conversation with him. I think that he believes it's gonna lead somewhere again, and the thought of that just makes me laugh until I cry.

Speaking of my daughter, I finally got to see her on Saturday. It was the first time in almost a month that I'd seen her, and omg, she's gotten so big.

Ellie, telling "Wonka" (my Granny) "I DON'T WANNA!!"

Eating cookies.

In time-out. She looks so little here.
Looks can be deceiving.

Because she insisted that Uncle Bob take pictures of her with Minnie.

"It's Mommy's turn!!" - Ellie.

So yeah. I dunno. Things are alot more simple right now. I ran into B a few weeks ago, and it was ... strange to say the least. He calls me over to where he'd been standing, scoops me up in a hug, gives me a big kiss, and tells me that J is the stupidest guy ever for letting me go. That was the same weekend that D, Kami, and D's roomies all went to Saddle Ranch and got so tanked that there apparently is YouTube proof of the things that I did.

Then last night I got drunk (again) and ended up talking to Justin all night in somebody's backyard. I'd forgotten how amazing the simple life is.

You know, one of these days I'll get it all figured out. Until then, I have to admit, I'm enjoying myself vastly.

I hope it's gonna make you notice, someone like me.

I've been doing alot of reflecting lately on the last few years, and whew. You know it's time for a vacation when just thinking about your life exhausts you. I'm so glad I got out when I did. I have such a lighter heart, and I don't feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders anymore. I feel... liberated, as cliche as it sounds.

I've decided, after talking to Justin for 2 hours tonight, that I really need to make a change in my life, and not just as far as men are concerned. It's about time I start taking care of myself. It's been almost a week since I've had a drink, and for the very FIRST time in ... oh God, months, I feel really good about that. It's not a matter of "when's the next time?" but rather, "it's quite alright by me." ...I think that being drunk by 4 pm on Cinco de Mayo was a huge wakeup call. It really made me actually stop and think before I drank at ALL on Friday night, and boy oh boy, as tempted as I was to get obliterated, I didn't!

It's not just alcohol either. I've been eating better. I make it a point to walk every day, even if it is just to the Walgreen's less than a block away. I just feel so much better getting outside and doing SOMETHING. I've cut back on the snacks, my meals are more rounded, and being absolutely broke has caused me to stop drinking soda and to almost entirely quit smoking.

Mentally, welll, that's still a struggle. Once I find a job though, I know that I'll be doing tons better. The mess that has become my love life just seems... unimportant now. Let bygones be bygones, and move on with my life. Which is what I'm doing. I have amazing friends, and with everything that's been happening, they've been so good to me. I've been writing alot more lately, even if it is just stupid blogs, or a little bit more personal stuff in my little journal everynight. It's been awhile since I've been able to get ANY thought out of my head like this.

So. If anyone actually reads this, especially the men I've been involved with... fucking suck it. I'm better off now, and I'm doing better than I have in years. Fuckers.

48 ways to say, that I'm feeling helpless.

So, for some reason, I've had my heart absolutely stomped on, not just once, but twice, in the last month. Which leads me to the question, how much is too much? Or how much isn't enough? On one hand, I have J. J tells me he loves me, and I tell him that I need some time before I could possibly be able to say it, since you know, I just came out of a really rough 5 year relationship. He tells me he understands, he's been there, blah blah blah. Two days later, I cease to hear from him, and his roommate's boyfriend makes some shitty comment to me at the bar last Tuesday. Okay. Wtfever. I can deal, you know?
Then there's the other one. The one man in my life who I can never say no to, especially when we keep coming back around to each other. We have this long, alcohol-fueled conversation on Friday night, and everything goes great the entire time I'm with him. And now? I haven't heard a single word from him since then.
I JUST CAN'T WIN.
Ergh.
So yesterday I went to the hospital, to see my Gramps, and oh dear God, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was at such a loss when I first saw him, and bawled when we left. He hardly knew who I was. And I'm the oldest of his grandkids. I gave birth to his only great-granddaughter. It was rough.

Agh.

there is a light in your eyes..

Which is worse? Being entirely alone, or loving the one person you'll never be able to have? I've been sitting here for the last week trying to wrap my mind around that one, and let me tell you... I'd rather enjoy what little time I have with this guy, than to never have known him.

I wish that I had good news, but go figure, things are still the same. Shitty.

I got news tonight that my Grampa's cancer came back. It's terminal. It's spread too far now to do another round of chemo. I thought my world had fallen apart before. Man. Now I'm just so lost that I can't focus on anything. It's been a long time since I've lost someone close, and knowing that one of my three favorite people on the planet is giving up... I think that knowing that he's not fighting anymore is harder than him actually being sick all over again. I can deal with the diagnosis again. I can deal with the chemo and the surgeries again. I just can't deal with knowing that he's gonna die. I don't know what I'm gonna do, knowing that one of these days, he isn't just gonna be there anymore.

Ah, well.

I'll post more another time.

Changes.

So I've been trying to search for the words to explain the last few weeks. Words are usually something I've always been good at. Maintaining my grasp on reality, on the other hand, is not.

So a little over a week ago now, I moved out. It was brutal, and it was heartwrenching to have to leave behind my child -- out of necessity, not want -- but leaving is probably the best decision I've made in a long time. I knew things wouldn't ever work out with him.

I met someone, who at the time, I thought was worth wasting my time on. J was -- is -- the most amazing man I think I've ever met. He was kind, and sweet, and considerate, not to mention a sexy ass firefighter. Lol. But, c'est la vie, story of my life, something went wrong. This time, though, I'm not sure what happened. J is someone that I could see myself really acually being happy with. Stay tuned, who knows what will happen with that.

So I'm in the process of looking for a job, and let me tell you, it is NOT a good situation. I've gotten more rejection e-mails than I can count. Maybe I shouldn't have gone over a year without working. I never foresaw this all coming though.

Another exhausting week.

So it's been amazingly beautiful here the last couple weeks. What a way to brush up on some outdoor activities.. :) Kami and I went mini golfing at Castles & Coasters on Sunday, and much to my surprise, I felt really old being there. Insane. Pictures of THAT fiasco soon to come.

Took Ellie to the doctor on Monday, and had another set of x-rays taken. Everything's healing up really well, so it's looking like the cast from hell is coming off on the afternoon of the 20th. Good GOD am I excited about that.

Ellie, much more cheerful these days, after a nap and a doctor's visit.

Not really much else has been happening. Last week I spent the entire week devouring the Twilight books, and then finally the movie. Never thought I'd be THAT person, lol. Who knows. Things have been changing vastly these days.