I hope it's gonna make you notice, someone like me.

I've been doing alot of reflecting lately on the last few years, and whew. You know it's time for a vacation when just thinking about your life exhausts you. I'm so glad I got out when I did. I have such a lighter heart, and I don't feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders anymore. I feel... liberated, as cliche as it sounds.

I've decided, after talking to Justin for 2 hours tonight, that I really need to make a change in my life, and not just as far as men are concerned. It's about time I start taking care of myself. It's been almost a week since I've had a drink, and for the very FIRST time in ... oh God, months, I feel really good about that. It's not a matter of "when's the next time?" but rather, "it's quite alright by me." ...I think that being drunk by 4 pm on Cinco de Mayo was a huge wakeup call. It really made me actually stop and think before I drank at ALL on Friday night, and boy oh boy, as tempted as I was to get obliterated, I didn't!

It's not just alcohol either. I've been eating better. I make it a point to walk every day, even if it is just to the Walgreen's less than a block away. I just feel so much better getting outside and doing SOMETHING. I've cut back on the snacks, my meals are more rounded, and being absolutely broke has caused me to stop drinking soda and to almost entirely quit smoking.

Mentally, welll, that's still a struggle. Once I find a job though, I know that I'll be doing tons better. The mess that has become my love life just seems... unimportant now. Let bygones be bygones, and move on with my life. Which is what I'm doing. I have amazing friends, and with everything that's been happening, they've been so good to me. I've been writing alot more lately, even if it is just stupid blogs, or a little bit more personal stuff in my little journal everynight. It's been awhile since I've been able to get ANY thought out of my head like this.

So. If anyone actually reads this, especially the men I've been involved with... fucking suck it. I'm better off now, and I'm doing better than I have in years. Fuckers.

48 ways to say, that I'm feeling helpless.

So, for some reason, I've had my heart absolutely stomped on, not just once, but twice, in the last month. Which leads me to the question, how much is too much? Or how much isn't enough? On one hand, I have J. J tells me he loves me, and I tell him that I need some time before I could possibly be able to say it, since you know, I just came out of a really rough 5 year relationship. He tells me he understands, he's been there, blah blah blah. Two days later, I cease to hear from him, and his roommate's boyfriend makes some shitty comment to me at the bar last Tuesday. Okay. Wtfever. I can deal, you know?
Then there's the other one. The one man in my life who I can never say no to, especially when we keep coming back around to each other. We have this long, alcohol-fueled conversation on Friday night, and everything goes great the entire time I'm with him. And now? I haven't heard a single word from him since then.
I JUST CAN'T WIN.
Ergh.
So yesterday I went to the hospital, to see my Gramps, and oh dear God, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was at such a loss when I first saw him, and bawled when we left. He hardly knew who I was. And I'm the oldest of his grandkids. I gave birth to his only great-granddaughter. It was rough.

Agh.

there is a light in your eyes..

Which is worse? Being entirely alone, or loving the one person you'll never be able to have? I've been sitting here for the last week trying to wrap my mind around that one, and let me tell you... I'd rather enjoy what little time I have with this guy, than to never have known him.

I wish that I had good news, but go figure, things are still the same. Shitty.

I got news tonight that my Grampa's cancer came back. It's terminal. It's spread too far now to do another round of chemo. I thought my world had fallen apart before. Man. Now I'm just so lost that I can't focus on anything. It's been a long time since I've lost someone close, and knowing that one of my three favorite people on the planet is giving up... I think that knowing that he's not fighting anymore is harder than him actually being sick all over again. I can deal with the diagnosis again. I can deal with the chemo and the surgeries again. I just can't deal with knowing that he's gonna die. I don't know what I'm gonna do, knowing that one of these days, he isn't just gonna be there anymore.

Ah, well.

I'll post more another time.